starting again

So...I went to this chruch picnic on Saturday, almost having my mind made up that I was not interested in going to a little church again. The wound is still fresh, and it still hurts deeply to think about it. But at this picnic I had such a fun time! It was great! We laughed, joked, plyed volleyball and softball. This is an amazing church and I can see a real love for Christ there.

So I've decided to start going there. Feeling like that's the place for me, at least for the moment.

I need something consistent in my life right now. I've gotten too far away from God. I can feel it. My absense from church has helped to deepen the rift I've created between God and myself. I've gotten away from my Christian values. Yes, I know that even when I was a faithful churchgoer I was never perfect, but now...I don't even pray any more. Not really. I'll pray for an issue when someone asks me to, but its usually right at that moment. Praying before bed? Forget it.

I remember when I was a little girl I used to pray before going to sleep. But instead of saying "Amen" at the end of my prayers, I would tell Jesus that I wasn't going to say it because I wanted to make sure He stayed with me throughout the night.

How I miss that childlike innocence. The pure knowing fact that Jesus will be there with you through the night. I knew I could say "Amen" and He'd still be there, but I felt that by not saying it I was somehow closer to him. Like I was still in His lap while he rocked me to sleep and not in my bed where put me after I went to sleep.

So I'm starting anew. Going to put God first. Once I do that, everything will fall into place. And God, if I don't say "Amen" at the end of my prayers tonight, its because I want to stay cradled in your lap all night.